Do It Anyway

I’ve been in a funk. No, not the usual funk I write about where I’m just lazy and don’t want to work out. I’m talking about one of these funks. As I talk about in that piece, they come and go randomly. This one has been sticking around since last week and frankly it’s making me want to choke someone out. I haven’t yet – but I’m not making any promises to continue that trend.

Yesterday a little before 5:30 (the time I typically leave my office), I started thinking of ALL kinds of great reasons why I couldn’t go to the gym. Too tired, too hungry, too late, too sort of stormy looking. Oh yes, I had a lot of spectacularly stupid excuses. I knew they were just that – excuses. I looked at the gym’s group fitness schedule. None of the classes fit my schedule that evening. Oh, another excuse. However, I knew if I left work and skipped the gym, I would be sitting at the pool for over an hour waiting for my daughter to finish swim practice. That would be an absolutely ridiculous use of my time. Especially considering I didn’t have a book or anything to pass the time.

So I went to the gym. Begrudgingly. The front desk dude even said, “haven’t seen you in a while.” I offered a weak smile and just shrugged my shoulders. Inside I responded, “whatever, jackwagon. I was just here a week ago.” I know, I know, that’s not really a consistent effort on my part. I think he was probably pointing out how consistent I had been in his own stupid way. But, let’s not forget, I’m in my “I wanna choke you out” mood.

Anyway, I went. I lifted. I became aware that when I’m feeling pissy I can lift about 5 – 10% heavier than a normal day. So I did, in fact, get in a good work out. Did I leave there feeling like a new woman? Nah. I didn’t. I know they say exercise puts you in a good mood. It’s also a great stress reliever and can help cure depression. I didn’t experience any immediate satisfaction. But I was glad I didn’t skip the gym. At least it was one less thing to feel pissy about.

The moral of the story? I can’t promise you that working out will make you feel “better”, but it sure as hell won’t make you feel worse. So go do it! No, seriously, right now! Go! Oh, and try not to choke anyone out.

I Wish The Universe Was More Like Kohl's

photo credit: theskinnyveg.tumblr.com

Ever get a gift from the Universe? One you thought you really wanted but once you received it you wish you could return it? Too bad life isn’t like Kohl’s. Hell, they’ll take back anything. The Universe’s gifts, on the other hand, are like your Great Aunt Ida’s knitted sweaters. There is no returning that shit.

See, I’ve been kind of complaining about something. Mostly just to my husband because he has to listen. Plus, I don’t care if he judges me. The judge who married us said “til death do we part” and I fully intend to make him live up to his end of the bargain. But, I’ve been complaining about maintenance. Weight maintenance. I don’t do this often OR publicly because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea. Losing weight was hard. It was a mental game for me, but once I conquered the mental part of it the rest came easy. Those numbers dropped on the scale pretty quickly for me and each pound lost was motivation to keep pushing forward. Once I reached my goal weight, it was AWESOME!

Of course, every once in a while bad habits would start to creep back in and I would have to reign myself back in. I would have to remember there is a reason powdered donuts are not allowed in my house. I kept it in check for a long time. After a while though, I got frustrated. I felt like I had nothing I was working toward. I no longer needed to lose weight. I wasn’t training for any “event” nor did I care to. I basically had to eat healthfully and work out just to look exactly the same way I always do. (Yes, health benefits, live longer, blah blah. I know. Those things don’t drive me. They aren’t tangible things to me. I’m talking about working toward something that drives me.)

So I kept complaining that I needed something to work toward. I felt like I was just floating along on auto-pilot. Going through my workouts, breaking a sweat, and going home. I wasn’t excited about anything. Buying single digit clothing sizes for the first time in years was exciting for me. Crossing the finish line at a 5k with a faster time than I had set as my goal was exciting for me. Having nothing new to look forward to – not so exciting. So here I am, whining and moaning and groaning like a little sissy that I don’t have anything to work toward. Guess what? The Universe gives me a “gift”.

I went to buy some new shorts (at Kohl’s, would ya believe?) and took my usual size into the dressing room. Except that size didn’t fit anymore. Uh oh. So I grabbed the next size up. It fit (thank GOD!). “Congratulations,” said the Universe in her snarky little voice. “Looks like you have something to work toward.” “NO!” I shouted inside my head. “I don’t want this. I want to return it. I didn’t know what I was saying. THIS is not what I had in mind.” But, you can’t return the Universe’s gifts. She’s a little bitch like that.

So now here I am, five weeks before Memorial Day and the start of bikini season. And I’m up a size from last year. Careful what you wish for. The Universe is kind of sneaky.

I Don't Know How She Does It

photo credit: nancycooklin.wordpress.com

Well, she doesn’t. Didn’t you read the book? Granted, I read this book probably ten years ago when it first came out so my memory of the details may be a little sketchy. And I didn’t see the movie because I was certain it would suck. The gist of it is this – this woman is a successful corporate type who appears to have it all. Perfect family, marriage, career, etc. Everyone wonders “how she does it”. The truth is, she doesn’t. Her marriage is falling apart. She suffers from major mommy guilt which also affects her ability to do her job as well as she could. Sound familiar?

I have personally been told, “I don’t know how YOU do it.” I kind of look around and wonder who the hell they are talking to. When I realize it’s actually me, I’m like, “huh?” How I do what? Apparently by appearances I seem to have it somewhat together. I have happy, healthy kids. I have a good marriage. I have a job I kick ass at. I have this blog which I try to write on somewhat regularly. And I have a facebook page that has a respectable number of likes. Well, I should start preparing my Oscar speech now because while I am more grateful for those things than you can imagine, they do not define me as “having it together”.

My kids rock. I wonder daily if I’m effing them up. My husband is a saint (mostly). He’s a far better spouse than I am. My job? Well, I do kick ass at that. But sometimes I could probably do better. Couldn’t we all? My blog and facebook page? Honestly, they stress me out. When I post something, I hover. I wait to see if anyone will read or like it. Or comment. If there’s any comment that isn’t absolutely glowing I freak out and take it completely personally. It feels like a kick in the gut and I think I’m not cut out for this. I’m not cut out for any type of feedback other than “I’m awesome”. Which is really stupid and I know that. Duh.

This idea of perfection – where the hell did THAT come from? I hate it. I hate comparing myself to others but can’t seem to stop. “Oh, SHE dyed four dozen Easter eggs with her kids, huh? Damn, I didn’t even make dessert.” “Oh, look at HER abs.” Have you ever walked into a birthday party and it looked like something out of a magazine? Yeah, we throw pizza and water guns at my kids and pray no one gets hurt. Have you ever walked into someone’s house and suddenly yours felt like it was someone’s first apartment? I’m not super mom. I’m not a trophy wife. I’m not a paid writer. I’m not perfect.

I’m embracing my imperfections. I’m not doing it very well, but I AM working on it. If I miss a school function because it slipped my mind, it’s okay. My kids still know I love them. If I skip a workout because I’d rather be on the couch, well, that’s okay (once in a while). I’m working on finding the balance that works for me. The huge list of responsibilities I have mean that I won’t be great at all of them all the time. Maybe I will remember that my kid is getting an award, but the whites have been in the washing machine for three days now. Maybe I will hit the gym five days this week, but I totally forgot to post something super inspirational on facebook.

Perfection is impossible. I’m working really  hard on living that truth. What are you working on?

Uh Oh! Are You A Bully?

Perhaps I’m just hyper-aware of bullying right now because my baby will be entering middle school soon. But it seems evertime I turn around I’m hearing, reading, or watching a story about kids being bullied and in some extreme cases even killing themselves over it.

These kids are bullied for so many stupid things. They are different, they are gay, they are small, or big, they are too fat or too skinny, they believe in Jesus, or they don’t. Whatever it is these bullies decide is “wrong” with them, these victims are relentlessly reminded of it. Oh and it’s not just at school anymore. It’s on facebook, twitter, blogs, wherever. These kids can’t escape it. There’s no safe haven for them.

In some cases the parents figure out what’s going on and step in and something gets done about it. I suspect we don’t hear much about those cases. It’s the cases where these kids keep it all bottled up inside. Or the parents’ plea for help falls on deaf ears at the schools. Perhaps even the schools’ hands are tied. For whatever reason, these kids find this bullying so completely unbearable they just can’t possibly live with it anymore.

It’s not just kids, of course. I read an article the other day that a German model living in the UK committed suicide. It is suspected it may have had to do with on-line trolls bashing her for her appearance. A model!

Think about how you talk to yourself. Let me write that again. THINK.ABOUT.HOW.YOU.TALK.TO.YOURSELF. Are you a bully? Do you look in the mirror and curse yourself for your appearance. Do you say disparaging things to yourself because of cellulite? Do you have a bad day because of a number on a scale? Do you call yourself fat? Worthless?

Don’t be a bully. Be kind to yourself. The victims of bullies are tortured. It changes how they feel about themselves. Maybe they didn’t know they had a big nose. But for the rest of their life that’s all they’ll think about in regard to their appearance. Why would you do that to yourself? Imagine if your son, daughter, brother, sister, or friend came home and said someone made rude remarks about their appearance. Imagine if you were standing in line at the grocery store and some bitch behind you told you that your ass was huge. Um, really? No, it’s time to put a stop to this. It’s time to stop bullying.

Fitness Freaks That Freak Me Out

photo credit http://frombeginningtoendandbackagain.blogspot.com/2012/03/perfection.html

I started my fitness facebook page in May 2011. I was bursting with enthusiasm and had all these fabulous words of inspiration rolling around in my head. However, I was certain not all my friends wanted to hear about it on my personal page, so the fitness page was born. (I even got complaints when my Nike+ updated that I went for a run. Some thought I was “showing off”. Well, duh!) The numbers of fans started creeping up slowly and people I didn’t even know “liked” me. It was exhilirating and I was throwing out little nuggets of wisdom like it was my job. I was inspired by the thought that I might be inspiring others.

I posted a contest – working out for 30 days in a row. That’s when it hit me. I was a fraud. All these people who had “liked” my page were checking in every single day telling me their workout and they really did workout 30 days in a row. I did not. I totally flaked out. But I didn’t feel like I could tell them that. I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me since I was the one that was supposed to be inspiring them. I continuted to be their biggest cheerleader and just avoided posting anything about my own workouts. It made me miserable.

I finally gave in and confessed. I got tons of support from the little facebook community that had been built. I also confessed in my blog about falling off the wagon (several times). Ironically the posts where I open up about my own struggles have been some of my most popular. It’s so exhausting being perfect. So, I stopped pretending to be.

I follow a lot of seriously amazing blogs and facebook pages that are related to fitness and nutrition. There are a few that project this image of perfection. And you know, I get that. We are branding ourselves and it’s hard to be vulnerable enough to tell a big group of strangers that you skipped your workout in favor of your DVR and a 5 gallon bucket of ice cream. Besides, no one wants to hear us complain. Here’s the problem…it gives the reader a totally skewed view of reality. I’m pretty confident that every single person on this planet has had a bad day, a set back, fallen off the wagon, ate a big bag of sugar, or something not otherwise considered healthy.

Get the inspiration you need from these people but understand they are human. Just because we as writers, bloggers, and facebookers are able to project a certain image it doesn’t mean we can be or are that way all the time. I’ve caught myself reading certain updates or posts thinking, “man, she’s awesome. I suck.” Guess what? She IS awesome. But I do NOT suck. No one is perfect even if they seem to be. That is a public image. Don’t let these fitness freaks freak you out. And for the love of fitness, don’t get caught up in thinking success lies in perfection. It lies in persistence.

I Pick Things Up and Put Them Down

Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Do you remember that one time where I totally freaked out like a little girl because my body fat % was too high? Gosh, I was such a baby back then.

True to my word, I have maintained my commitment to strength training. I have done full body strength training at least two days every week; three when I can fit it in. I’ve been working with a personal trainer. We’ve been doing something different each session so I don’t have anything specific to share with you as far as workouts go. Really, it isn’t even about what we’re doing. It’s more about creating the habit of strength training. For me, it’s so easy to go to the gym and head into a class. This is “mindless” for me. I’m a great follower and I damn sure am not going to quit in the middle of the class. So when I say it’s “mindless”, I mean that I’m following someone else’s lead. I’m not putting thought into my workout, I’m just doing it. With strength training, there had to be some amount of thought put into it. I had to determine if I was going to do full body workouts or split my workouts into body parts. I had to determine what exercises I would do. I had to push myself to keep going even when I didn’t feel like it.

I got so lost in all the planning of the routine that I lost the joy of the actual strength training. Going to a trainer has made it “mindless” again for me because he tells me what to do. By not over thinking it, I’m able to enjoy it. After three weeks of training with him, I’ve been reminded of how much I love the feeling of being strong. Sometimes I laugh and think, “oh crap, I can’t do that”. But I do it.  I love the feeling of trying something I’m not 100% sure I can do and rocking it out. Or maybe not rocking it out, but knowing that now I have something to work on. I’ve pushed myself. There have also been some things I just can’t do. Yet. I’ve fallen and looked like an idiot and laughed hysterically at myself. It’s fun again.

Yesterday I ended up strength training by myself because of some scheduling conflicts. Don’t get me wrong. I checked the group fitness schedule and saw there was a spin class going on and of course I was tempted. But that was the easy way out. I cannot build lean muscle mass by doing cardio. I went to the gym without a plan. I started with some weighted lunges. Then some squats with hammer curls. Then some scissor kicks. Then my mind started racing. I was like a kid in a candy store and so many exercises popped in my head I couldn’t wait to finish one so I could get to the next one. I also enjoyed experimenting with the weights and seeing just how much I could (safely) lift.

Planning is important and I wouldn’t advise going in without a plan every time. However, sometimes, we need to step back and stop over thinking it. I was obsessed with everything about strength training except actually doing it. I wanted to know the best methods, the best exercises, the machines to avoid, blah blah blah. By the time I actually got to the gym I had myself so freaking confused it just wasn’t fun. I wasn’t even confident that what I was doing was what I was supposed to be doing.

But yesterday, I just did it. I did my own thing. I made sure to hit all the major muscle groups and paid special attention to the areas I wanted to (legs). Next time, I’ll hit the big ones and then focus on another part (arms, probably). I didn’t leave the gym thinking, “man, I should have done this, or this, or that”. I left the gym proud I had gotten in some strength training. I was satisfied that what I had done was enough. I am enough.

My Year as a Personal Trainer

Last March I became certified as a personal trainer. I was lucky enough to train a few people. The trouble was, I ended up giving up on the training because it just didn’t fit in my schedule. Our family is crazy busy. With two kids in extra curriculars six days a week, there isn’t a lot of free time. The time that is “free” I’d like to utilize for sleep working out.

So here I am with this cert and I’m not using it in the traditional sense. And my renewal paperwork shows up in the mail. In order to maintain a personal training certification, you are required to do continuing education. So I have a decision to make. To renew or not to renew? Does having a certification make me more legit? And legit for what exactly? I started this blog initially as a way to show people what I’ve learned and continue to learn as I research my nerdy little brains out. As many blogs do, this one has evolved and went from constant “rah rah you can do it”, to “Hey, I’m having a suck ass time at this working out stuff this week”. I don’t need a certification for that, right? I mean, I realize I appear certifiable sometimes, but that’s something altogether different.

If I let my certification lapse, will I suddenly have less knowledge? I’ve had that piece of paper for a whole year now and have yet to see any of its magical powers. In fact, there are times it’s brought me stress because I thought there were certain societal expectations that would come along with it. You know, like the personal trainer police would bust me eating a Krispy Kreme. I won’t be leaving my day job to pursue a career in fitness. That is a fact. I’ve also proven that as much as I would love, love, love to help people I just honestly can’t squeeze it in my current schedule. So, what’s the point in keeping it? I don’t really think there is one.

So, I’m letting it go. I’m letting the certification go. I’m letting the stupid expectations that I set upon myself go. I’m letting the feeling of thinking I’ll finally know it all go. I’ll never know it all (hubby, this does not apply to you or the children. As far as ya’ll are concerned I do, in fact, know it all). But, not “knowing”everything can be a gift if you let it. That’s what I learned during my year as a personal trainer.

Screw THAT – What Works For Me Wednesday

Image via Wikipedia

29.9%  – My body fat at my recent evaluation.

110% – My freak out as a result of said body fat %.

1000% – The level of ridiculousness of that freak out.

I’m such a hypocrite. If you came to me upset about a number (on the scale, in your jeans, etc) I would tell you that you are not defined by any number. However, I let that shit define me for two whole weeks. In normal Chrystal fashion, I went straight home and started researching diets to reduce my fat. Dude, I don’t even believe in diets. But I found one, printed it out and wrote out my grocery list. My very supportive husband went to the grocery store and bought every single thing on the list. I was deeply satisfied putting away all that fresh produce. That was it. My fight with my body fat was on and I was going to win.

Then reality set in. Steamed cauliflower, a boiled egg, and a green apple for breakfast? What’s wrong with my plain oatmeal and blueberries? Salads ONLY for lunch and dinner? Well, that’s not sustainable. An unsustainable way of “losing” is against absolutely everything I believe in.

So, I said screw THAT! We ate that produce. I made a fantastic salad. I had it for lunch a couple times last week and I enjoyed it. However, if I knew that was all I was going to eat for the next six weeks I’m pretty sure that salad wouldn’t have tasted so good.

I also stopped reading weight lifting articles. Here’s the deal – lift heavy things. It doesn’t matter if I do splits (legs one day, arms and back another, etc) or if I do full body workouts. Lifting heavy things WILL increase muscle mass. The contradiction of all the information that’s available WILL increase my stress level. Especially when I’ve already put myself into panic mode.

I’m a hypocrite. I was looking for the magic formula to reduce that body fat % (which, by the way, I’m pretty sure 29.9% is inaccurate). I’ve told you there’s no magic pill; no secret formula. Yet, I still went looking for it. I had a momentary lapse of sanity. But, I snapped back to reality and said screw THAT! I don’t need a stinkin number to tell me I’m awesome.

 

Hi. My Name Is Chrystal and I'm Skinny Fat

I’ve shared with you before when I’ve gotten into a slump. A rut. Fallen off the proverbial wagon. Whatever cute little phrase you’d like to use for “got lazy”. I struggle just like anyone else. Although I do have a personal training certification, it’s not what I do for a living. In fact, I really don’t use it at all. I don’t have the time! I’m just like most people out there trying to make everything fit into 24 hours. Kids, spouse, career, house, etc. It’s not easy and a have my share of struggles just like anyone else.

When I’m struggling, my go-to is cardio. I love the cardio classes because I’m good at being directed. I particularly love spin because it pushes me more than any other class I’ve taken. If someone tells me to go fast, I try to go faster than anyone else in the class. If she says to turn the resistance up to a 6, I like to go to 8. I can push in that kind of environment.

Strength training, to me is, well…boring. I know it’s super crazy important but while I’m standing there lifting weights, I’m thinking of all the other crap I could be doing. I’m looking at the people who are looking at me. I’m wondering where the cute blonde chick got her shorts. I’m easily distracted. So, I haven’t been lifting at all like I should recently.

I joined a new gym since my contract was up at my former gym. I was hopeful that a new environment and different classes would be the kick in the ass I need to get back on that proverbial wagon. Along with my new gym membership came a free assessment with a personal trainer and some free sessions. I had my assessment this week and I left there feeling like I was going to puke and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

My cardio health was superior. No surprise there really, after all I spin regularly. My flexibility was very good. (That sort of surprised me because I don’t feel flexible at all.) My strength was good based on a push up test. My body fat…was considered unhealthy. Yes, UNHEALTHY. Now, I knew it would be good. I can tell the difference in my body from just a year ago. But I didn’t expect to hear the % that I did. I am skinny fat. The term used to describe someone who is thin, but has too much body fat. It’s not something you want, to say the least.

And for the record, I will share that insanely high number with you. Just not yet. I’m still processing it.

So, what did I do with this information? Well, I sulked and pouted like any self-respecting girl would do. I went home and told my hubby. He said, “no problem. Just start strength training and you’ll get to your goal in no time.” Hmmph. I prefer to pout. I talked to my good friend Tiffany. She reminded me I wanted a goal and now I have one. To reduce my body fat. Look, I’m glad to have a support system. I realize how lucky I am. I also realize that even though my body fat % is totally out of whack, I’m at a healthy weight and wear a small size (still skinny fat). But right then, I felt like a big fat slob and I just wanted to wallow in it. So I did.

I sulked around for a couple of days. I went to spin class. Then I got called out by another personal trainer. One who has years of experience and loads of certifications. Serious certifcations. He messaged me privately and reminded me that spin class is NOT strength training and I will never reach my goals if I don’t suck it up and strength train. (He said it way nicer than this. In fact, I was totally not offended at all.) That was just the kick in the ass I needed to stop whining and start working.

I plan to increase my lean muscle mass, and in turn drop body fat in the next few months. Like I said, once it goes down a little, I’ll share the numbers with you. I’m just too horrified to write it right now. I’m going to share this journey with all of you and write about what works and what doesn’t and what sucks and what doesn’t. I did do strength training yesterday. REAL strength training. I’m sore today and I feel pretty great about that. It’s on like Donkey Kong! So stay tuned, as a remember everything I already knew and just apparently chose to ignore.

A Kick In The Ass – What Works For Me Wednesday

Accountability. Blah. That’s another one of those fitness buzz words that gets thrown around so frequently it loses it’s value. However, it certainly applies in describing my friendship with Workout Girl aka Tiffany.

Here’s how it works. One of us, could be (and has been) either one, sends a text or email to the other. It says something like, “ugh, I feel fat. I just ate a whole bag of donuts”. (Okay fine, that one was me.) The other one begins with supportive questions trying to get to the bottom of the “why”. A productive conversation ensues with both sharing our struggles and/or successes of the day. The conversation ends with, “suck it up”. This is generally followed up later with, “so did you get your workout in?”

In order for the whole accountability thing to work you have to have the RIGHT kind of accountability partner. My hubby is very supportive but he’s only going to push it so far because he has to live with me. Tiffany will ask me the hard questions. She’ll tell me if I’m being lazy. She won’t let me off the hook. We don’t wallow in each other’s bad day. We listen, we talk, and we tell the other to move on. THAT is an accountability partner.

You also have to have someone that understands that everything is relative. I can feel the eye rolls if I tell most people I feel fat. Tiff gets that it’s all relative. Me feeling crappy shouldn’t be discounted because I look a certain way. We can tell each other anything without the fear of being judged by what we have done (or not done for that matter).

We are also huge cheerleaders for the other. Tiff can tell me she got an awesome compliment from someone (which she often does) and I don’t think, “god, you’re such a bragger.” Hell no! I think, “damn right, sister. You deserve it!” If she tells me she kicked ass at her 10k (or tough mudder, or half marathon), I tell her she’s my idol because she runs further than me. We are genuinely happy for each others’ accomplishments, big and small. There is no jealousy, judgement or animosity.

We push each other to do better and to be better. A good accountability partner listens patiently and then calls you out on your bullshit. A good accountability partner is one that you can tell something bad to and they don’t gasp (outloud). Oh and by the way, we met online. So you just never know when or where your accountability partner will show up. I highly recommend you get one! But beware – the right one will kick your ass. And you are so going to love it.