Well, not actually hiding. The people that know me in real life still see me every single day. (I’m sure some are happier than others about that.) Would it be totally cliché to say I’ve been “finding” myself? That’s probably not such a stretch.
Here’s the thing. I started the facebook page May 2011. I obsessed over it. I felt I needed to comment on every single thing people said. It became my baby. As it grew bigger (as in – more likes), it became more pressure. I don’t know why really, but I felt like I had become this “face of fitness”. Now, I realize I’m probably giving myself waaay too much credit here. It’s not like I’m some kind of celebrity or anything. I’m so totally not. I just got overwhelmed in my own mind. I created unrealistic expectations for myself that I’m certain no one else had. Hell, most of you probably haven’t even noticed I’ve been missing for a month.
But, who was I to encourage you to eat better and exercise when I wasn’t? Who was I to ask you what you had done for YOUR health when I hadn’t done shit for mine? I was back to binge eating and logging no gym time. My weight was up. My spirits were down. I felt like a fraud.
Comments on my the facebook page started unnecessarily offending me. (I’ve come to realize that the bigger a page is, the more critical and negative people can be. The law of numbers, I suppose.) People would comment that a picture I posted was offensive. Or correct my spelling. (My spelling? Really?) I wanted to scream, “Look, bitches! This is my page!! I’m not getting paid for this! I do this on my own time and you read it voluntarily, so back off!” Of course, I didn’t. That would be completely out of line and inappropriate.
Then someone in real life referred to me writing about being depressed. It was used almost as a dig. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. That was the last straw. I felt like I had been violated. Why? I had written it. I put my name on it for all the world (and google) to see. I don’t have the answers to those questions. I just knew I needed to walk away.
Has the last month been better? I still have my struggles, just like you. Walking away just gave me one less thing to struggle with. Will I go back to posting regularly? Will the pressure get to me? I don’t know the answers to those questions. I know that I HAD to walk away. I know that a month away cured my insatiable desire to constantly check in on facebook. To leave inspiring status updates and to respond to all of your awesome comments. It reminded me that real life has to come first and if something I’m doing for “fun” isn’t actually fun anymore it’s okay to stop.
So, if you stick around, you’ll see some changes. I’m not sure what they’ll be, but hey, that’s the fun of it. I’m NOT an expert. That personal training certification I held for a year did NOT give me all the answers. It just gave me more questions. But what I do know is, I’m not stressing myself on a regular writing schedule or facebook updates. I’m not going to let my mood be swayed by blog stats and facebook views. I can’t. I’m more than a number. By the way, so are you!