I'm baaaaaack!

Where do I start? First of all, you should know it’s not some glamorous answer. Nope. Pretty boring (and perhaps psychotic) actually. I’ve been hiding.

Well, not actually hiding. The people that know me in real life still see me every single day. (I’m sure some are happier than others about that.) Would it be totally cliché to say I’ve been “finding” myself? That’s probably not such a stretch.

Here’s the thing. I started the facebook page May 2011. I obsessed over it. I felt I needed to comment on every single thing people said. It became my baby. As it grew bigger (as in – more likes), it became more pressure. I don’t know why really, but I felt like I had become this “face of fitness”. Now, I realize I’m probably giving myself waaay too much credit here. It’s not like I’m some kind of celebrity or anything. I’m so totally not. I just got overwhelmed in my own mind. I created unrealistic expectations for myself that I’m certain no one else had. Hell, most of you probably haven’t even noticed I’ve been missing for a month.

But, who was I to encourage you to eat better and exercise when I wasn’t? Who was I to ask you what you had done for YOUR health when I hadn’t done shit for mine? I was back to binge eating and logging no gym time. My weight was up. My spirits were down. I felt like a fraud.

Comments on my the facebook page started unnecessarily offending me. (I’ve come to realize that the bigger a page is, the more critical and negative people can be. The law of numbers, I suppose.) People would comment that a picture I posted was offensive. Or correct my spelling. (My spelling? Really?) I wanted to scream, “Look, bitches! This is my page!! I’m not getting paid for this! I do this on my own time and you read it voluntarily, so back off!” Of course, I didn’t. That would be completely out of line and inappropriate.

Then someone in real life referred to me writing about being depressed. It was used almost as a dig. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. That was the last straw. I felt like I had been violated. Why? I had written it. I put my name on it for all the world (and google) to see. I don’t have the answers to those questions. I just knew I needed to walk away.

Has the last month been better? I still have my struggles, just like you. Walking away just gave me one less thing to struggle with. Will I go back to posting regularly? Will the pressure get to me? I don’t know the answers to those questions. I know that I HAD to walk away. I know that a month away cured my insatiable desire to constantly check in on facebook. To leave inspiring status updates and to respond to all of your awesome comments. It reminded me that real life has to come first and if something I’m doing for “fun” isn’t actually fun anymore it’s okay to stop.

So, if you stick around, you’ll see some changes. I’m not sure what they’ll be, but hey, that’s the fun of it. I’m NOT an expert. That personal training certification I held for a year did NOT give me all the answers. It just gave me more questions. But what I do know is, I’m not stressing myself on a regular writing schedule or facebook updates. I’m not going to let my mood be swayed by blog stats and facebook views. I can’t. I’m more than a number. By the way, so are you!

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14 thoughts on “I'm baaaaaack!

  1. I noticed you were gone, and I’m happy you took the break you needed. I can relate to much of what you wrote. Too much online time can suck the life out of you, no doubt. I love your honesty. Look forward to reading more when and if you decide to post it. 🙂

  2. First off, I did miss you 😉 I realized the other day I hadn’t seen you and wondered where you were and figured life was taking over a little bit… glad you are safe 🙂

    Secondly – GIRL – it IS your page and you can do what you want with it (and seriously – someone is correcting your spelling?!? For the love of God people – get a life!! Someone did that to me on one of my MindBodyGreen articles… I assumed the poor soul had nothing better to do so I deleted his sorry-ass e-mail without a second thought… but… I digress 😉 ).

    Don’t pressure yourself – ever. This is YOUR world that we are all stepping into. You can do with it what you want. You can run it the way YOU want to run it.

    I love your inspiring messages and your energy. I love virtually hanging out with you… personally – I hope you stick around online regularly… however – if you need a break here and there – no worries… we all do 🙂

  3. I had also noticed you were gone and I too have taken a step back. I had my wedding in April and work is so out of hand I found the thing that had to go was my online time. I am happy that you are still around and trying just like the rest of us! Look forward to hearing from you still time to time! 🙂

    • Thanks, Emma. Congrats on your marriage. Yes, we all definitely have to find that balance. And be willing to get rid of the things that aren’t serving us positively. 🙂

  4. Hey Chrystal, I have just recently discovered your blog and I love it! I went online in search of information and motivation to get myself in better health after finding out I have a kinda rare heart disorder. I am happy to say that I have lost 15 lbs over the last 15 weeks and your writing has definitely helped to both inform and motivate me. Life is to short to let things that we love or like to do turn into a source of stress. If writing your facebook page makes you happy then write for that reason and that reason only.

    • Tina, congrats on your incredible weight loss. That’s amazing. And thank you so much for your kind words. It’s stuff like that that keeps me coming back. 🙂

  5. I love your honesty! I missed your post but understand that life is busy and hectic! I wish you the best and just wanted to say that you helped inspire me to get moving! I just started doing a boot camp/pilates/water aerobics. I LOVE it! It has gave me such a needed boost! My depression has decreased and that is awesome because it was getting so bad! I really did not want to go on meds and now I can see a way through my rough spots. So truly do what you can but know you helped me. I really appreciate that! Good luck to you in your future!!
    Tiffany

  6. I was out walking the other day and was thinking about you and yes, realized you were missing in my inbox! You always seem to write about what’s in my head at that exact moment- kindred spirits who have never met? Anyway, you and I have so much in common, the pressure to be what we’ve signed up to be, having those moments of “What the hell am I doing?” also the constant wondering and researching about all that comes our way. It’s exhausting! I am proud of you for listening to your mind, body and soul. Keeping it together, even on line, is one difficult task. But your posts are always very inspiring and I’m sorry those bad apples made you even madder! Keep staying true to yourself, we love you for that!!!
    Be-YOU-to-Full!!
    Robyn

  7. I noticed you were gone and I missed your posts! I’m glad you’re doing what you need to do for YOU, and I hope you get back to your regular posting – if that’s what you find to be nourishing to you. We have to ride the waves of life and go with what works for us. And it’s ok if those things are always changing. Don’t worry about the nay sayers, just worry about doing what is true to your heart!!

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